Stepping into the deep

A couple months ago I was playing soccer at lunchtime, as I love to do, when I took a shot that sailed over the five-foot-tall fence surrounding the field, zipped over the concrete walking path, and came to rest in the irrigation creek a few feet below. Luckily, the water looked to be ankle deep, so I hopped the fence, removed my cleats and socks, and went to retrieve the ball.

The first steps went as expected in the shallow, if murky water. This is easy, I thought. Only a few more feet to retrieve the ball. One little step at a time. One little step...SPLASH! I was in deep, up to my hips. I couldn’t see that my little steps were quickly coming to an end, that without warning I would quickly be swimming.

By then I was wet, so the last few feet to the ball didn’t matter much. I retrieved it, threw it ashore, and waded to dry ground, dirtied by sediment perhaps but realizing I had just experienced a metaphor for my upcoming life.

I’m taking a step into the deep.

On Saturday a new chapter in my life begins at Mount Angel Seminary outside of Portland. For months I have prepared with applications, medical tests, meetings with Vocational Directors, prayers, journal entries, selling my furniture, saying goodbyes. All were little steps. On Saturday, I dive in.

Unlike my unanticipated soccer swim, I know a little about what to expect. Each morning and evening seminarians pray the Liturgy of the Hours. Mass is a daily obligation and opportunity. We have classes in the morning and early afternoon. I will be assigned a pastoral project serving the local community in some way. The academic schedule looks like college, so I can return to Boise at Christmas and in the summer.

Though I have some details, I am largely entering the unknown. Will God call me to be ordained a priest in seven years? Will I enjoy the relative quiet and seclusion of seminary? How much will I miss my life, work, and friends in Seattle? Will I get to spend time with my family in Boise? How much freedom will I have to keep up the relationships I value? What will it be like to continue supporting the teens to whom I was still youth minister less than a month ago? Is this leading to my vocational calling?

The last month brought a variety of emotions -- fear and sorrow over leaving my life in Seattle, letdown at returning home with my family, trepidation over the challenge to come, wonder that God would choose me, hope as I process the changes with my parents, brothers, and friends. I’m ankle deep and ready for more.

This blog will be a part of the journey if you care to join me. I’ll do my best to update it regularly. Not all of you are likely fans of Latin, but the title reflects my desire to follow God’s will and the connection to a larger movement in history and tradition that is far beyond my small life. I invite you to join in proclaiming, “Incepto ne desistam -- May I not shrink from my purpose!” Let us go forth, one little step at a time, unafraid of the depths.