Fear seizes me sometimes. I might not identify the fear or call it by name, but at moments, I fear the obstacles before me. I fear loneliness. I fear restlessness. I fear foregoing my ambitions. I fear the disapproval or disappointment of others. I fear losing control.
This time at Mount Angel directs my gaze at those fears. The Lord stands alongside me and beckons me to humble myself, to acknowledge the presence of worldly passions, to allow the Holy Spirit to gently melt that which delays and prevents revelation and self-mastery. In this inner struggle toward holiness, I have an anthem. My alarm each morning is set to this song, and its message echoes through my waking hours.
The song is I Shall Not Want by Audrey Assad. In it, she blends the Litany of Humility with the well-loved line from the twenty-third psalm.
I tend to be serious in blog posts, but in reality, I'm not that way most of the time. I make wise cracks and use sarcasm. I laugh with brother seminarians. I enjoy my time here. Yet even humor can be a crutch disguising discomfort at the formation process. When I am forced to reflect on how I spend my time and prioritize life, I can grow uncomfortable. That's the nature of growth. Growth is not putting giftedness to use and laughing all the way. Growth confronts weakness, inaccuracy, and ignorance and asks how to burn it away. Matthew Kelly emphasizes the creation of habits to teach virtue, to stimulate growth, to give individuals the impetus to become the best version of ourselves. Cultivating healthy, life-giving habits necessarily entails the confrontation of fears.
At Mount Angel, I meet every other week with a Formation Director assigned to me. We examine my life from a number of aspects -- spirituality, sexuality, academics, physical wellbeing, social life, discernment, discipline. From our meetings, my formater brings his impressions to the entire formation team -- the president-rector, vice rectors, formaters, and staff that participate in the process. And they make recommendations to my local bishop and vocations directors on my continuing formation. When I get to the end of the year, this group of people will decide whether I am fit to begin more intensive and focused theological studies. At the end of the formation process, this group makes a final recommendation as to whether an individual is adequately prepared for ordination to the priesthood.
I say this because in our current world, many Catholics and many non-Catholics are concerned that priests are not sufficiently screened or prepared to be celibate, chaste, holy, competent leaders for God's people. In my experience, the Church is doing everything it can to find the right people and equip them to shepherd parishes and people. Each day I am part of a rigorous program that examines my fears, keeps me busy, fills my mind with the knowledge and training I need, and pushes me beyond barriers to personal growth.
No matter how my journey ends -- in ordination, in realization of lay vocational calling, in mission, at peace -- this time at Mount Angel Seminary will be an immeasurably valuable time of reflection. I feared coming to seminary, and I still have trepidation about being ordained as a priest. But I no longer fear where this time will lead. God cares for me. The Lord has an end meant expressly for my life, and it will bring about my deepest joy. I experience peace reflecting on that reality. Fear fades. I taste God's goodness. And I shall not want.
At Mount Angel, I meet every other week with a Formation Director assigned to me. We examine my life from a number of aspects -- spirituality, sexuality, academics, physical wellbeing, social life, discernment, discipline. From our meetings, my formater brings his impressions to the entire formation team -- the president-rector, vice rectors, formaters, and staff that participate in the process. And they make recommendations to my local bishop and vocations directors on my continuing formation. When I get to the end of the year, this group of people will decide whether I am fit to begin more intensive and focused theological studies. At the end of the formation process, this group makes a final recommendation as to whether an individual is adequately prepared for ordination to the priesthood.
I say this because in our current world, many Catholics and many non-Catholics are concerned that priests are not sufficiently screened or prepared to be celibate, chaste, holy, competent leaders for God's people. In my experience, the Church is doing everything it can to find the right people and equip them to shepherd parishes and people. Each day I am part of a rigorous program that examines my fears, keeps me busy, fills my mind with the knowledge and training I need, and pushes me beyond barriers to personal growth.
No matter how my journey ends -- in ordination, in realization of lay vocational calling, in mission, at peace -- this time at Mount Angel Seminary will be an immeasurably valuable time of reflection. I feared coming to seminary, and I still have trepidation about being ordained as a priest. But I no longer fear where this time will lead. God cares for me. The Lord has an end meant expressly for my life, and it will bring about my deepest joy. I experience peace reflecting on that reality. Fear fades. I taste God's goodness. And I shall not want.
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