Touch

She probably doesn't remember, but a few days ago after a long day at work and thinking about many things before me, I was feeling anxious when my mom walked by me and gently rubbed my shoulder, the place where she knows I carry my tension. It was a natural motion, a loving one, a soothing touch only a mother could offer. And it was ideal for me in that moment. My mom has a sense for those sort of tender touches or encouraging words. What she did for me in that moment probably would not have worked for many people and seemed inconsequential, yet I am still thinking about it a couple weeks later. Why?

It's something about motherhood, and while I can't quite give definition to what I felt, I know it was unique to the relationship I have with my mother. It was 28 years of shared life, communication without words, support without knowing, and meaning without trying. In my reading lately the subjects of masculinity and femininity have emerged consistently. Theologians try to uncover the mysterious and seemingly lost art of what makes us the genders unique and complementary. These are not gender roles--men and women can cook, clean, minister, work, teach, and do a variety of other actions while choosing manhood and womanhood.

I recently heard someone describe masculinity as the potential to be a father and femininity as the potential to be a mother. Not everyone would agree with these definitions, and I'm still pondering them. Something about these ideas communicates truth. Many individuals will not father or mother children or ever marry, yet each woman and every man possesses the ability to sacrificially love others and God. Jesus never fathered a child, never married a woman, never did many of the things we associate with fatherhood. Rather, he lived his potential by caring for others, by teaching them, by praying for them, by feeding them, by helping them find meaning, by asking the right questions, by abiding in friendship, by emptying himself at the appointed time for his beloved. He practiced absolute masculinity. The lives of each person, male or female, should be modeled after Jesus, but he also distinctly models for males the fullness of masculinity, different than femininity yet not greater. The life of Jesus offers us a lifetime of reflection and challenges toward growth as men. Where, then, should women look for a model of femininity?

Mary.

Whether one is Catholic, whether one has a devotion to the Mother of God, whether one knows Mary at all, one thing I hope can be declared without dispute: She is a beautiful model for women. The woman is receptive in some way from the female body to the feminine personality. The woman receives life through the sexual embrace; the woman nurtures that life physically and emotionally as a mother and wife; the woman longs to receive authentic love. Reception is vital to femininity, and Mary receives God and receives life. Her "yes" changed the course of history. God never impedes on our freedom of choice, so Mary's fiat was freely given. She embraced the life of the Lord within her, becoming the first tabernacle. Upon the birth of Jesus, she cared for him, changed his clothes, fed him, taught him, watched him grow, gave him her love as his mother. She coaxed the first miracle from him at Cana, was beside him during his ministry, and watched her Son's Passion as one of the few devoted witnesses.

In Luke 11, a woman from the crowd proclaimed, "Blessed the womb that bore you and the breasts that fed you!" Jesus replied, "More blessed still are those who hear the word of God and keep it!" At first this may seem a slight toward Mary, but this instead points to the deeper reason she is to be emulated--not because carrying the Son of God somehow rubbed off on her magically but because she was receptive to God's call to bear fruit. She lived femininity wonderfully.

Now back to my mom's touch. In the simplest of actions, she graced me with her femininity. Just a few seconds, but so full of grace. She sensed my tension, was receptive to my mood, and responded as only she could. It wasn't a fiat that changed the world, but it was a motion that altered the moment. Sometimes that's all we can offer: To be present, to respond. Whether it's a touch or a load of laundry or an encouraging card or a forgiving word, we are called to show mercy, to show obedience, to show grace, to show love.

I am exploring authentic masculinity and won't ever know what it means to be feminine, but I caught a glimpse of their complementarity through my mother. May I, may we never cease striving for self-improvement, for authentic expression of our deepest identity, for living as the beloved, and for embracing the Lord's plan for our lives.